Obama throws in the towel to the Taliban

Now that America’s military defeat in Afghanistan is certain, Barack Obama is looking for an exit strategy. One reader who wishes to remain anonymous speculates on what Mr. Obama might write in his letter to Mullah Omar to secure a safe retreat. 
 
Mullah Omar
Amir al-Mumineen
Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan
Some cave near Spinbaldok
At the Afghan/Pakistan border

Respected Amir al-Mumineen,

Assalamu Alaikum. I hope you and the Taliban Shura are well.

I have been meaning to write to you for quite some time to talk about peace. War has gone on far too long between our two countries causing much suffering on both sides. I believe the time has come to make peace.

As the Holy Qur’an says in Surah al-Anfal, verse 61, “If they incline to peace, incline you also to peace, and have trust in Allah.”

I propose to bring a nanawati jirga to Afghanistan. To demonstrate our sincerity, we have already taken certain steps that I hope will meet with your approval. Congress has been instructed to change the name of the United States to the Islamic Emirate of America. Once this is done, Congress will be called the Loya Jirga. In the meantime, we will be paying jizyah to the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan.

Effective immediately, our cabinet is to be called the Washington Shura. All cabinet as well as military posts have been abolished. Henceforth, everyone will be called a “Mullah” and nobody will shave his beard. Khanam Clinton is the only exception, for obvious reasons. But I have had a long chat with her and she has assured me that she will stop shaving her legs. She will also don the burqa in keeping with the best Afghan tradition. Since she is fond of blue colour, Khanam Clinton has requested I seek your permission for her to wear a blue burqa. When she joins me for the nanawati jirga, she will not open her big mouth in your presence. In fact, she will sit behind a curtain so as not to be visible.

I have also spoken to Mullah Clinton and told him to rectify his errant ways. I have warned him that Afghanistan is full of stones and there are enough to take care of him. Besides, when we declare America as the Islamic Emirate, there will be no room for such behaviour. If he persists, he will be taking a very big risk.

You would have noticed that I have taken other steps as well. Mullah McChrystal has been replaced by Mullah Petraeus. Mullah McChrystal was getting too close to Hamid Karzai and K2. This last does not refer to the high mountain in Pakistan; it is a title our boys have given to Ahmed Wali Karzai although I am sure K2’s corruption outstrips the mountain’s height.

We had a little crisis when people started adopting the Mullah title. There was argument between Bernanke and Geithner. Both wanted to be called Mullah Moola; Bernanke won handily because he already has a beard; besides, he controls all the moola.

We have been scouring around to buy shalwar kameez, patkai and pattoos. We want to be dressed properly when we arrive in Afghanistan. To our dismay, we discovered that the Afghans in Washington and New York do not own clothing stores; they run restaurants and make delicious rice and kebab. The Pakistanis have cornered the market on clothing. It is amazing how smart these Pakistanis are: during jihad against the Soviets, they made tons of money by insisting all of it be routed through them. Now Pakistani storeowners have made a killing selling us shalwar kameez, patkai and pattoos.

When we come for the nanawati jirga, I will bring four lambs and a Montana goat with me on Air Force One. I and Mullah Petraeus will sacrifice two lambs each at your feet. I have been informed that Amir al-Mumineen is fond of goat milk. You will love the Montana goat’s milk; its cheese is even more delicious.

My Muslim advisor, Rashad Hussain, tells me that there can be only one khalifah of the Muslims at a time. Would it be agreeable to Amir al-Mumineen if I were to take the title of Naib-e Khalifah?

Now I have just one small favour to ask: allow our troops to leave Afghanistan without being skinned alive. They will leave behind not only their weapons but also their boots. Please allow them to keep their pants on. I hope this meets with your approval.

Assuring you of my highest considerations and respect, I remain, 

Yours
Mullah Barack Obama
Prospective Naib-e Khalifah of
The soon to be, Islamic Emirate of America